(my personal info)
January 7, 2005
ATTN:
RE:
VIA FACSIMILE:
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am an attorney and mediator and I am interested in a position as _____ with your _________. I am a current member of the California bar and graduated with a Juris Doctor from Loyola Law School. I am seeking a position with your company because of my interest in your field of practice in _____________. In particular, __________________________. I feel that my experience as an Assistant Director at a nonprofit mediation center would be an asset to your company in such a position.
As Assistant Director, I helped run a very busy and successful community mediation center. My responsibilities included mediations, conciliations, and handling a high volume of intakes dealing with a wide variety of conflicts and individuals. The conflicts I handled ranged from insurance disputes and divorce settlements to personal injury payment disagreements. I have strong interpersonal skills and I am a talented communicator. I also have a keen understanding of the issues that often come up in disputes of these kinds and how to go about resolving them.
In addition, I was a supervisor of trainees and volunteers, helped train the incoming mediators, and conducted outreach with the community to educate them as to conflict resolution and my organization. In addition, I was the sole writer of grants and publicity articles for the organization and secured valuable funding to allow our good works in the community to continue. I feel that these responsibilities have prepared me for a position as a _____ with your ___________.
Enclosed is my resume that further outlines my qualifications.
I am interested in hearing more about your ________ and would like the opportunity to discuss a position with you. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
me
Can you guys please give me constructive criticism on this?
veiled threats
It was a good form letter. My only issue was that it seemed too nice. It could use more confidence, also I kept expecting more of how i imagine a lawyer to be, with either very formal legalese, or veiled threats. Where is the section of "If you hire me then I will promptly shred the photos of _____ engaging in ______ with ________ and ________."
Still, I'd give you a second look from that letter. The reference to the mediation center is quite good.
Still, I'd give you a second look from that letter. The reference to the mediation center is quite good.
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Why didn't you add the part about you being the Empress to the whole sick lot of us?? Are you embarassed by us?? What?? We aren't good enough to brag about??
In all honesty, you sounded kinda meek. Almost timid. Damn that!! You're K. Larocco. Esq. They should be happy to have you with them. You just gave them a list of assests you can bring to the table. Make them understand you'd be helping them out.
"Your ___________ interests me and I welcome you contacting me so we may further discuss possible positions you have available."
Just a suggestion. Outside of that, good job.
((So help me AMy, if you flip this around Disaster, I'll skin you alive.))
I am interested in hearing more about your ________ and would like the opportunity to discuss a position with you.
In all honesty, you sounded kinda meek. Almost timid. Damn that!! You're K. Larocco. Esq. They should be happy to have you with them. You just gave them a list of assests you can bring to the table. Make them understand you'd be helping them out.
"Your ___________ interests me and I welcome you contacting me so we may further discuss possible positions you have available."
Just a suggestion. Outside of that, good job.
((So help me AMy, if you flip this around Disaster, I'll skin you alive.))
"We've come for your daughter Chuck..."
just use what applies
I will be a senior partner at your firm in the near future and I am giving you this one chance to befriend me and ease my passage. I will remember friendship and mightily smite those who neglect this opportunity. By the great God AMystery, you have been warned. Sincerely Kiri, Esq.
Very nice letter Kiri. Even if I nit-pick, there is very little I could complain about. But, since you asked for criticism, I feel obligated to say something. So...
1. Perhaps add in the final paragraph "Please feel free to contact me at any time by...". I am kind of iffy on this because I am sure the contact information is on your resume as well and letters shouldn't be -too- long...
2. "I feel that these responsibilities have prepared me for a position as a _____ with your ___________." Perhaps this is a little too humble. Delete "I feel that"? How have they prepared you? Maybe site an example. IE: My experience as Empress Kiri has prepared me to crush your puny management and use your business as a pawn in my greater scheme of global domination." or "This experience allowed me to develop superior calculating skills, which I can use in your organization to mastermind a coup, so that I will soon lord over the Starbuck`s caffiene empire. Hire me now and be spared a hideous fate of coffee depravation."
3. Possibly trim down the length by being a bit more brief. I have had good luck with shorter letters that leave the reader asking for more information: that way they call you! But, I have never been applying for a legal position before
Best of luck!!!
1. Perhaps add in the final paragraph "Please feel free to contact me at any time by...". I am kind of iffy on this because I am sure the contact information is on your resume as well and letters shouldn't be -too- long...
2. "I feel that these responsibilities have prepared me for a position as a _____ with your ___________." Perhaps this is a little too humble. Delete "I feel that"? How have they prepared you? Maybe site an example. IE: My experience as Empress Kiri has prepared me to crush your puny management and use your business as a pawn in my greater scheme of global domination." or "This experience allowed me to develop superior calculating skills, which I can use in your organization to mastermind a coup, so that I will soon lord over the Starbuck`s caffiene empire. Hire me now and be spared a hideous fate of coffee depravation."
3. Possibly trim down the length by being a bit more brief. I have had good luck with shorter letters that leave the reader asking for more information: that way they call you! But, I have never been applying for a legal position before
Best of luck!!!
"If you have a right to someone else's approval, then they do not have a right to their own opinions and values." - Dr. Thomas Sowell
http://ws6.blogspot.com
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how many assistant directors were there at the non profit thing? in the first paragraph you were "AN assistant director" then in the second it was "as assistant director". it sounds stronger if you were the only one of course, but if that's not the case the two instances should be consistant.
kit's right, i'd remove anything that says "i think that..." or "i feel that...", anything along those lines. it may seem egotistical when you write it, but it reads better if you simply say "i am".
i'd also rework the description of your A.D. duties. the people you worked with might understand "intakes" in this sense, but it's not immediately apparent exactly what that means. was it like a hospital admissions desk? was it scheduling appointments? was it initial evaluations to determine the most useful form of mediation for the client to participate in?
i might reword the community outreach too, just a small change along the lines of "educate them as to better methods of conflict resolution and the role my organization could play in helping them achieve successful solutions." just a stylistic thing, but the way i originally read it sounded a little bit too vague. *shrug*
kit's right, i'd remove anything that says "i think that..." or "i feel that...", anything along those lines. it may seem egotistical when you write it, but it reads better if you simply say "i am".
i'd also rework the description of your A.D. duties. the people you worked with might understand "intakes" in this sense, but it's not immediately apparent exactly what that means. was it like a hospital admissions desk? was it scheduling appointments? was it initial evaluations to determine the most useful form of mediation for the client to participate in?
i might reword the community outreach too, just a small change along the lines of "educate them as to better methods of conflict resolution and the role my organization could play in helping them achieve successful solutions." just a stylistic thing, but the way i originally read it sounded a little bit too vague. *shrug*
"Freedom of speech" is not the same thing as "Freedom from consequences".
In no particular order:
- Two sentences in a row (3rd para) you start with "In Addition"
- Your resume is going to be quite obviously enclosed as a cover letter with a resume would be just plain silly. It also will obviously further delineate your skills. Cut that line.
- "I am interested in learning more about your ___. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future."
Membership of the bar should be filtered into the letter not a statement-of-fact at the beginning. Your school of graduation is unimportant in the letter (its on your resume) unless you have something to say specifically about Loyola that is applicable.
I agree with everyone who says cut "I think" and "I feel" - use "I know" . Avoid the use of "very". I heard once that any phrase "Very X" can be replaced by a better more educated word. I don't know how true that is, but it's an interesting thing to strive for.
Detailed stories of applicable experience to the position is what will get your foot in the door. Unless you know someone of course. Claiming you have strong interpersonal skills and talented communicator is far less meaningful than an example of how you used those skills:
Hope I helped.
- Two sentences in a row (3rd para) you start with "In Addition"
- Your resume is going to be quite obviously enclosed as a cover letter with a resume would be just plain silly. It also will obviously further delineate your skills. Cut that line.
- "I am interested in learning more about your ___. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future."
Membership of the bar should be filtered into the letter not a statement-of-fact at the beginning. Your school of graduation is unimportant in the letter (its on your resume) unless you have something to say specifically about Loyola that is applicable.
I agree with everyone who says cut "I think" and "I feel" - use "I know" . Avoid the use of "very". I heard once that any phrase "Very X" can be replaced by a better more educated word. I don't know how true that is, but it's an interesting thing to strive for.
Detailed stories of applicable experience to the position is what will get your foot in the door. Unless you know someone of course. Claiming you have strong interpersonal skills and talented communicator is far less meaningful than an example of how you used those skills:
versusI am a very good public speaker.
Matter of factly stating why you are better than anyone else is always a possible option as well. My cover letter flat out claims I am a better programmer than my competitors because of my ability to examine all sides of a problem from a technical and analytical perspective. You need something the HR rep can grasp onto and say "K was the one who did ____" 30 minutes after she reads it.I addressed the board of directors regarding the situation delineating the need for such a change.
Hope I helped.
Fine art is the only teacher except torture.
- George Bernard Shaw
- George Bernard Shaw
It looks like you've gotten lots of great replies so I've got very little to add.
My thought on reading the letter was that it was an attempt at a pretty standard letter than can be used as the basis for a more specific letter when the right position appears. However, that makes it harder to assess its strengths and your suitability for a position. I'd prefer to see a variation or two of the letter tailored to positions you would like, because without having the blanks filled in, it's hard to judge whether this letter makes you sound like the perfect fit for a job.
The letter seems long to me, more like a laundry list of things you can do. I'd rather see you focus on one or two specific areas of your current experience and really show how it can be applied to the available position. Again, this is difficult to do in a "standard" letter because you will probably want to highlight different parts of your past experience for different jobs. I would try to shift the focus from what you've done in the past to what you can do for them and use your past experience to bolster these claims.
Finally, if you are really interested in a position, you need to take on the responsibility for following up with the company, rather than hoping they contact you. I would change the closing to read "I will contact you..." and then follow through with that. Although I've only hired for entry level positions without a very competitive field, we hired two people mainly because they followed-up with phone contact after submitting their resumes, which showed that they were really interested in the position, had some initiative, and gave me the opportunity to assess their phone skills and professionalism. Of course, depending on the positions, advertisements, and information provided, this could be completely irrelevant.
Looking back at this post, it's not particularly useful, but maybe you'll get something out of it. Also, a bit of free advice for anyone going on job interviews- find out all you can about a company before you go on an interview there, check out their website, etc. Doing your homework beforehand can save you embarrassment at an interview. Also, send a handwritten thank you card after the interview. People will remember things like that.
My thought on reading the letter was that it was an attempt at a pretty standard letter than can be used as the basis for a more specific letter when the right position appears. However, that makes it harder to assess its strengths and your suitability for a position. I'd prefer to see a variation or two of the letter tailored to positions you would like, because without having the blanks filled in, it's hard to judge whether this letter makes you sound like the perfect fit for a job.
The letter seems long to me, more like a laundry list of things you can do. I'd rather see you focus on one or two specific areas of your current experience and really show how it can be applied to the available position. Again, this is difficult to do in a "standard" letter because you will probably want to highlight different parts of your past experience for different jobs. I would try to shift the focus from what you've done in the past to what you can do for them and use your past experience to bolster these claims.
Finally, if you are really interested in a position, you need to take on the responsibility for following up with the company, rather than hoping they contact you. I would change the closing to read "I will contact you..." and then follow through with that. Although I've only hired for entry level positions without a very competitive field, we hired two people mainly because they followed-up with phone contact after submitting their resumes, which showed that they were really interested in the position, had some initiative, and gave me the opportunity to assess their phone skills and professionalism. Of course, depending on the positions, advertisements, and information provided, this could be completely irrelevant.
Looking back at this post, it's not particularly useful, but maybe you'll get something out of it. Also, a bit of free advice for anyone going on job interviews- find out all you can about a company before you go on an interview there, check out their website, etc. Doing your homework beforehand can save you embarrassment at an interview. Also, send a handwritten thank you card after the interview. People will remember things like that.
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
I like that! I'll have to remember that one.Dagmar wrote:Finally, if you are really interested in a position, you need to take on the responsibility for following up with the company, rather than hoping they contact you. I would change the closing to read "I will contact you..."
"If you have a right to someone else's approval, then they do not have a right to their own opinions and values." - Dr. Thomas Sowell
http://ws6.blogspot.com
http://ws6.blogspot.com
draft 2
my info
Kiri@vzavenue.net
Their address
And info
January 12, 2005
ATTN:
RE:
VIA FACSIMILE:
Dear [insert name here]:
I am an attorney and mediator and I am interested in a position as _________ with your _________. I am a current member of the California bar and graduated with a Juris Doctor from Loyola Law School. I am seeking a position with your company because of my interest in your field of practice in _____________. In particular, ____________________. My experience as the Assistant Director at a nonprofit mediation center would be an asset to your company in such a position.
As Assistant Director, I helped run a very busy and successful community mediation center. My responsibilities included mediation, supervising volunteers, training, and outreach into the community to educate individuals as to the value of my organization and conflict resolution in general. The conflicts I resolved ranged from insurance disputes and divorce settlements to personal injury payment disagreements. I have a keen understanding of the issues that often come up in disputes of these kinds and how to go about resolving them.
I am a talented communicator with strong intrapersonal skills. I was the sole writer of grants and publicity articles for the nonprofit organization I worked for and secured valuable funding to allow our good works in the community to continue. I am a passionate and deeply committed worker, and my qualities and experience has prepared me for a position as a ____________ with your ______________.
I am interested in hearing more about your __________ and will call to follow up in a few days to answer any questions you might have. You may reach me at (phone) or via email at Kiri@vzavenue.net if you wish to contact me in the meantime.
Sincerely,
me
-- the only thing I didnt do is i left in my law school cuz I thought maybe in LA (from what I heard) that is important to show you went to an area school.
my info
Kiri@vzavenue.net
Their address
And info
January 12, 2005
ATTN:
RE:
VIA FACSIMILE:
Dear [insert name here]:
I am an attorney and mediator and I am interested in a position as _________ with your _________. I am a current member of the California bar and graduated with a Juris Doctor from Loyola Law School. I am seeking a position with your company because of my interest in your field of practice in _____________. In particular, ____________________. My experience as the Assistant Director at a nonprofit mediation center would be an asset to your company in such a position.
As Assistant Director, I helped run a very busy and successful community mediation center. My responsibilities included mediation, supervising volunteers, training, and outreach into the community to educate individuals as to the value of my organization and conflict resolution in general. The conflicts I resolved ranged from insurance disputes and divorce settlements to personal injury payment disagreements. I have a keen understanding of the issues that often come up in disputes of these kinds and how to go about resolving them.
I am a talented communicator with strong intrapersonal skills. I was the sole writer of grants and publicity articles for the nonprofit organization I worked for and secured valuable funding to allow our good works in the community to continue. I am a passionate and deeply committed worker, and my qualities and experience has prepared me for a position as a ____________ with your ______________.
I am interested in hearing more about your __________ and will call to follow up in a few days to answer any questions you might have. You may reach me at (phone) or via email at Kiri@vzavenue.net if you wish to contact me in the meantime.
Sincerely,
me
-- the only thing I didnt do is i left in my law school cuz I thought maybe in LA (from what I heard) that is important to show you went to an area school.
Swift. Only two things from me.
1. "In particular, ____________________. " Personally, I don't like starting sentances with prepositions in formal situations. Perhaps follow the previous sentance with a comma, or begin "I am particularly interested in the position of..."
2. "I have a keen understanding of the issues that often come up in disputes of these kinds and how to go about resolving them. " I would keep "of these kinds" only if you are applying for a position that deals with exactly the same stuff. Otherwise, delete it.
Hope this helps!
PS: I originally wrote "follow the previous sentance with a coma." Don't do that.
1. "In particular, ____________________. " Personally, I don't like starting sentances with prepositions in formal situations. Perhaps follow the previous sentance with a comma, or begin "I am particularly interested in the position of..."
2. "I have a keen understanding of the issues that often come up in disputes of these kinds and how to go about resolving them. " I would keep "of these kinds" only if you are applying for a position that deals with exactly the same stuff. Otherwise, delete it.
Hope this helps!
PS: I originally wrote "follow the previous sentance with a coma." Don't do that.
"If you have a right to someone else's approval, then they do not have a right to their own opinions and values." - Dr. Thomas Sowell
http://ws6.blogspot.com
http://ws6.blogspot.com