July 2002 Barren Realms MUD Newsletter July 5, 2002 Check out BR at telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/ Kiri: May/June typos Hi folks. Sorry this one is a month late. I had a death in the family and was not able to complete it. The winner is: Xorex with 140 reported, fixed typos! Thank you to him and these others: Ashes (26), Eternity and Leiland (8), Frizban (7), Aeroplane (6), Sozz (5) Tom and Que (3), Sting (2), and with one each, Delariand, Foy, Kilagro, Smart, and Slart. Keep finding those typos and win hps! These characters need to log in or ask me their passwords: Adon, Ajax, Atlas, Azmar, Brae, Buckeroo, Buttons, Cell, Crome, Darius, Darsul, Denim, DragonBuster, Faenor, Gladstik, Juliano, Katie, Kipper, Lerm, Loriel, Nobi, Orm, Paratov, Payback, Pesmerga, Phillie, Pod, Podox, Podus, Raenard, Razor, Rejak, Relg, Siegfried, Starful, Taprias, Tarias, Teleri, Terakkan, Thorp, Thrain, Trowa, Tyran IDEAS FROM THE REALMS: Divebomb: what if we were to add "extras" to mobs (same format in the area file) so that builders could use a keyword followed by a sentence and implement an "ask" function so that players could speak to mobs? Its: demons should also get a bonus when there align hits -666 Prodigy: like the timed flag can be set for infinite duration, maybe the valence kiwi fountain could be set for infinite capacity? Tom: The Maps AOD sells, should only bring up areas within the person who wants to buy a map's levels, making it less spam, and easier to find the map you want Winner: what about making it so that it will replace the spell in your affection if you cast it again? Winner: a swedish command and other language command added before the msg in chat channel... Kiri -- doing what? Tom: Protect the Trainee's and the Master in the Newbie Hall so anyone Over Level 5, Can not Kill them =) Eternity: Enhancement bonuses should be based on the number of times one has already enhanced, rather than the amount of hp or mana one already possesses. The way enhancement is set up now makes it unfair to those who do not have the resources to enhance at Enhancement bonuses based on number of previous enhances will balance the game today. It will also give more to those poor heroes who have not had the privilege of enhancing much as mortals. My first hero was an elf who never enhanced. The point I am trying to make is, enhancing should change. It just makes sense. Advancement is not based on stamina alone(hp mana), but on knowledge as well. That means enhancement bonuses should be based on the number of previous enhancements. Fallen: I know heroes get lots of cool stuff already, but...If we could get identify to it wouls rock Its: for demons have like a help leg file with a list of all the legs and there keywords Its: you should be able to astral to people 5 levels higher then them, so they can get back to everyone in thier groups Joysinger: please add a sidenote to help demon (as well as slart's signature *snicker*) asking new demons to also read help fetish/help revenant consecration and vice versa. Eternity: Get rid of red auras on blood trails. Red aura implies evil. What if the source was good? How can a blood trail have align anyway? Xorex: I guess it's okay if we can't see when imms last logged on, but how about being to see when avatars last logged on? Darkcrad: it would be cool if there was a spell that woudl transform you into a monster like a werewolf or dragon for a certain amount of mana Brinley: how about numbering aliases when listed? See: you should be able to cast frenzy on someone while there fighting Tiberius: The Experience needed to enhance should be based on your level, so for a level 10 it doesn't take as much as it would for a level 30.....I think you should be able to enhance from level 10 on, but not take such a dramatic hit for enhancing early.... Tiberius: Humans Kick doesn't get very strong as you continue, however I think a foot that is clad with boots should kick and hurt more so, then a foot clad in sandals.... Leiland: hint at the wis/dex requirements in the help files for tan and taint Ramlok: poses for Demons...perhaps we could make it a quest to write them? Kiri -- idea of the week! Actually, Eviene is writing some right now :) See: put color in gratzh Que: if jackie chan can disarm someone i should be able too. Eternity: Make it possible to consume pills even when full. Luan: Kenders are thieves. Why don't they have track? Kiri's WWW of URLs: From Sgetsuo - a funny article: http://www.arstechnica.com/wankerdesk/01q1/metreon/metreon-1.html $100,000. Oh my... http://cgi.liveauctions.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1834314676 Responses by Eternity: Tom's open door idea is a good one. In rl we unlock and open doors in one swift practiced movement. Why not do it in br too? ------- I like AMystery's idea of having evil guards assisting against good players. But what would a neutral guard do? ------- "Conesus: How about a shop keeper in Calathar [or another city] that cna do a locate object spell for money?" I do not think that this would be a good idea. There are already a lot of shops and potions in town that give players spells that are not normally accessible to them. Locate object would be going way over the top. Make an elf. They are fun. :) ------- "Icecold: please please please - detect good for demons? add it to one of the worse eyes to spice them up maybe? or even to the lion muzzle... *sniff your enemy!* :)" I have thought about this for a while. Why haven't we had detect good a long time ago? It stands to reason that opposites would watch out for each other. Another question comes to mind: Why would a demon even have detect evil anyway? I think a demon wouldn't care so much about other sources of evil. A demon would most likely be concerned about its heavenly rivals... I second the motion for detect good, and not just for demons. Make it a spell similar to detect evil. I have no idea how this would be code wise, but maybe it could be a matter of what the caster's alignment is when he/she/it casts the spell. Detect evil might be changed to detect evil/good. If the caster's align is positive when the spell is cast then the spell is detect evil. If the caster's align is negative, then it is detect good. If align is 0, then the spell has no effect. -Eternity >BIO: Go ahead and fill this one out, it's a blank one :) Name on BR: 1. What piece of equipment would you most like to have irl and why? 2. If you could be any kind of M&M what kind would you be and why, also what color? 3. What color is your car? > > 4. Do you have any pets? What are their names? > > 5. When's your birthday? > > 6. What is your favorite sport and favorite team? > > 7. Who was the hero/imm who helped you when you > > first started BR? > > 8. Which mob is your favorite? I > > 9. Who introduced you to the mud? Have you passed > > the favor on to anyone? > > 10. If you were an animal, what would you be? > > 11. What significant events greatly affected your > > life? > > 12. What is your favorite area in the realms, and > > why? > > 13. What is the longest amount of time you have ever > > spent in one sitting on the realms? > > > > 14. If you could go back in time to 1BC, what modern > > invention would you bestow on our primitive > > ancestors to make their lives better? > > 15. Given only a golf club, a shoe, some flypaper, > > sand and a cube - what would you make? > > 16. What one thing would you change about the world? > > 17. What one super power would you like to have? Funny legal quips (supposedly true) Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. From a defendant representing himself ... Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. Welcome to the Barren Realms MUD Newsletter! Come visit BR at telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/ NEWS FROM THE REALMS: Slart: random fixes A few bug fixes and one new thing: - a bug involving drunk players using say in an alias was fixed - a typo in the enhance command was fixed - autosplit no longer splits coins taken from containers -- only coins taken from the ground or from mob corpses - skills don't show up at level 1 in the slist anymore, since you can't practice until level 2 - When you die, the mud will now add your char's name as a keyword for your corpse - An bug allowing players to be summoned into the arena was fixed - Charmed mobs won't attack you anymore if you cast dispel magic on them - Bamfing a charmed mob will now get you a killer flag - Fixes for bugs where the mob just walks away from a fight - Fixes for mobs that shouldn't wander, and mobs that wandered where they shouldn't - If you kill mobs with a circle, they won't get pissed at you afterward anymore...(they still will if they're still alive, though) - Underwater mobs can now move around underwater ALSO - DON'T FORGET WE NOW HAVE REMORT!: IDEAS - feel free to reply to them Oversoul: The races need a little more "umph". Upgrade them a bit, ask players to build harder areas, and make the realms more adapted to the medievil theme Saffron: Make the fetishes worth getting, or at least make casting foul rites more than once a level. Winger: I totally agree with Eternity's enhancement idea.:) Myrddn: I would like to see places(seats) in the arena where you can watch others fight without getting attacked. Myrddn: what about a court house where you can hold trials? Kiri -- for what? Ashes: how about a command to stop sneaking? Leelou: i was thinking that it would be cool to put a regen item on the mud and put that on a very hard mob..i ..maybe like name it the black flowing robe Divebomb: When a player hits a level with new rumors, remind them that the rumors exist (echo to the screen after the level or something) Anakin: If a class can identify an item, why can't they repair? Daehder: what about getting wimpy set by percentage of HP Kiri -- you can do this. Just type wimpy alone. Whirly: how about this? The pose for avians that says 'you fetch up a demon with your claws'. Make it a random summon so that if there's a demon player on, that pose will pluck that demon to the avians location. Will only work with an avian that's Hero/Avat Kudzu: there should be different messages for items in water...instead of lying here it should say floating here and instead of decays into dust something about disintegrating into the water Disaster: i think dirtkick should continue to do damage if used more than once on a mob, not just the first time Winner: how about transferring unused practice sessions to enhance sessions? Winner: how about a IAW command meaning in another window? Winner: a "Bang" in social... saying Hands up! Or (someone) will grab your head and send you a burst.. BANG! Kiri -- help writesocial and help socialex Disaster: how about being able to put the terrain type of the vnum into prompt? DwarfMan: Wimpy should work, regardless if you're lagged from spells or disarm!!!!!!!!!!! Fnordie: let 'know alignment' not initiate a fight Winner: the spell enflame weapon is not efficient... or what i mean is that it seems not doing anything... how about removing it or add damage to it when the player cast a offensive spell? Winner: what about letting players to remove flames from a flaming weapon? maybe a skill like "remove flames"? Joysinger: 'slist human' should work as well as 'slist hum' does, etc. :) Kiri - IDEA OF THE WEEK! I agree. Joysinger: how about if underwatermobs swam east/west/north/whatever rather than just leaving? :) Predator: Why we could not have a few new parameters for prompt? We have exp tnl, why we could not have exp K tnl and maybe M for heroes? Personally I like to know how much exp tnl I need, but I don't like such long prompt line (13547236tnl - why not 13Mtnl or at least 13547Ktnl). The same situation with money parameter for prompt. ZeroChocobo: Can dwarves get a skill that is something like repair? I mean, there's a skill that can identify... why can't there be a skill for repairs? BIO: Name on BR: Joysinger 1. What piece of equipment would you most like to have irl and why? something to allow me to bamf ppl. elric's 'stay away!' dagger would be awesome. 2. If you could be any kind of M&M what kind would you be and why, also what color? i'd like to be something less nummy. i don't appreciate random ppls tongues/teeth on me (yeah, i know what you think, but i don't.)! black m&m in a spiked, hard shell would work. are there black m&m's? if not red would do, too. 3. What color is your car? don't i wish! used to be a dark color somewhere between purple and blue, but kharn broke it when he tried to battle a traffic sign ;) now we have a white car i sometimes drive... but it's really more his n mine. *shrug* 4. Do you have any pets? What are their names? i used to have rabbits, sadly they're all dead now. i've been really upset every time one died. now i got nothing *sniffle* if i could afford it, though, i'd own a horse, a cat or two, a dog or two, rabbits, guinea pigs, and other sorts of furry little friends :) mostly because i couldn't see how ppl treat their pets and would wish to give them a better live, i guess *shrug* but you can bet i'd have a whole bunch! 5. When's your birthday? *sigh* too soon. 6. What is your favorite sport and favorite team? sorry. think sports mostly suck and really don't care for any team. (well, what did you expect? i'm not american and by no means a typical german :p even hated the soccer world championships!) 7. Who was the hero/imm who helped you when you first started BR? oh. well, that's what you get for not answering these questions in order :) i answered that a couple questions lower i think. 8. Which mob is your favorite? that's a pretty tough one. i like kostie (kostchtchie for those of you who don't know), because i think his name sounds like a sneeze :) and then there's my dear little unicorn *G* i guess i just love unicorns. actually, i like all other mystical animal thingies, too. but mostly unis 9. Who introduced you to the mud? Have you passed the favor on to anyone? i don't remember who did. actually i'm fairly sure noone bothered when i started, but it's been a long time... and sure i have. you guys can thank me for kharn n violet! and i think i most likely have the biggest record of newbie helping ever :p 10. If you were an animal, what would you be? oh my. i'd like to be something free, big, and vicious. most likely one of the big kitties, think they're all fascinating. (and noone would dare touch/approach me without my permission, goshdarnit!) 11. What significant events greatly affected your life? well, i was born and i think that was bad enough. really, there's not much i'd consider to greatly have affected my life. 12. What is your favorite area in the realms, and why? i love all the well written areas we have with lots of storyline preferably. faust's areas all rock (must admit, haven't really been to dark sea, was always too annoyed that i'd have to use scuba ;)), EB's are nifty, dive's certainly have 'flavor'. lok's are also nice, once you can look past annoyance factors ;) 13. What is the longest amount of time you have ever spent in one sitting on the realms? now that's something i won't tell you! up to now you only _think_ i'm a loon... (cept dun, who thinks i'm a nutbar) 14. If you could go back in time to 1BC, what modern invention would you bestow on our primitive ancestors to make their lives better? actually, i think i might keep it all to myself and use it to become rich or something... eventually pass some on to 'students' *grins* 15. Given only a golf club, a shoe, some flypaper, sand and a cube - what would you make? nothing pops into mind. mindlessly play with it till it's all stuck together due to the flypaper, i guess... then trow it away :) 16. What one thing would you change about the world? are ignorance and stupidity the same thing? if so, that'd be it. if they are not, i would die pondering about which one to change first. 17. What one super power would you like to have? oh PLEASE, let it be teleport! of course, goto would be even better :) does that qualify for a superpower? :) -- Creative Ways to Order a Pizza If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. Answer their questions with questions. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." Change your accent every three seconds. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." Ask if you can just rent a pizza. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. Imitate the order taker's voice. Eliminate verbs from your speech. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." Report a petty theft of a pizza to the order taker. Ask for directions to the county jail. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. Try to talk while drinking something. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and ... action!" Ask if the pizza is organically grown. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. Put them on hold. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." Welcome to the Barren Realms MUD Newsletter! Visit BR at telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/ News from the Realms: Slart: more fixes! - Hopefully the last of the bugs with weight has been fixed. If you have any more problems with your weight, PLEASE bug them. - The spells command now only lists spells. Go figure. - You can't birdseye through closed doors anymore; it used to work some of the time. - Memory mobs get their memory cleared when imms declare peace, so they won't immediately restart the fight. - You can now rescue tanks even after they've been reduced to stunned or mortally wounded. - Stunned and worse mobs won't hit you back anymore, no matter how you provoke them. - I fixed the bug that was occurring in the reverse DNS code. This should put a stop to those nasty hangs we were experiencing. - I fixed some of the problems with hover and invisify items. You'll find that they work a little differently. If you have a fly spell cast on you and then wear Lord Vulture's wings, when you type "aff" the mud will say that you have two "fly" spells, one that will last X hours, and one that "comes from your equipment." If you remove the wings, you will still be flying. If the spell runs out while you're wearing the wings, you will still be flying. Invisify items will work the same way, except that you will still have to re-wear them after fighting to restore your invisibility. - I put a fix back in for players following each other through mazes that got lost in the shuffle with the demons checkins. I apologize for the error. Characters that need to log in: Angeleyes, Argon, Astra, Billie, Bjones, Bonnie, Brast, Cara, Catamount, Clyde, Colour, Elante, Exsusiai, Flip, Funkysquad, Future, Gypsymoon, Mune, Pladd, Rodyo, Saracin, Telix, Torrid, Truthamador, Ultra, Waldo Ideas - go ahead and hit reply and respond to these! Whirly: a new social.. MUG or, with a player name MUG You push against the wall and rifle through their pockets, coming up with lint Kiri -- Don't forget we have help writesocial and help socialex that you can view on the mud and submit your own social. Faustus: when you quit, it should first give you a warning if you have a note that you've written but not posted yet... I've had to re-write notes on several occasions for forgetting to post them Winner: a pet shop for valence will be nice to those heroes who can't charm or glare a mob Stars: Have a command that allows demons to see what parts they have waiting to be grown and what it is growing under. That way, the foolish demon who forgot whay he was doing doesn't have to go to the guardian to accidentally type replace twice to lose hi Aviar: Birdseye does not show the contents of a room if it is private and full. I just think it should. :) Tom: good vs evil, good spells should harm evil, evil spells should heal evil and harm good :) Shadowhawk: How about a create rose spell? Just for fun :) KarHallarn: aod needs to be updated Maynard: If my roundhouse kick skill is 95% I shouldn't fall flat on my face every few times I use it and tke 5 rounds to recover. maybe I could miss but still retain some controll? Maynard: a shop where keys can be sold Maynard: an item or service that will remove noremove items Kiri -- help hangman ;) Winner: since players will be affected by player's earthquake and windzone... should charmed mobs not be affected by that too? Its: demons should be able to drink blood on the ground Violet: i just wanted to say i love the new time command! since we got no 'laud' command... (wouldn't that be an idea? ;)) Kiri -- laud? Kudzu: Aren't damp and dams backwards? Divebomb: new spell: Improved Alacrity - level 40ish - enables caster to cast OOG spells without the OOG spell lag, they would cast it as if it were in guild to them (so a druid could cast 2 fireballs/round) Winger: Here is another alternative about enhancing. Some low level newbies(I was one) cannot enhance due to an immense amount of money and exp. I think the amount of "stuff" u get when u enhance should relatively stay even. I think the aspect that should vary are the amounts of exp or gold and even how many out of guild spells and techs u practice. For instance: A level 9 char with 3 out of guild spells should require around 50000coins and 230000exp and a level 10 char with 3 out of guild spells should require around 55000 coins and 240000exp...... Anyway just proportionally, u get the idea. I know this change would need alot of work but hey, its just a suggestion INCASE it didn't come up to you when you guys thought of the enhancing ideas. You might think this whole thing is some crackpot stuff or you may put some thought in this...it doesn't matter that much to me actually, remember it's just an idea. (you don't have to post this on the newsletter) :) Bio by Devilsangel: >BIO: Go ahead and fill this one out, it's a blank one :) Name on BR: DevilsAngel is my main 1. What piece of equipment would you most like to have irl and why? I think probably a seashell ring. Then I could be invis anytime I wanted. 2. If you could be any kind of M&M what kind would you be and why, also what color? I would be an almond green one. They are cute! 3. What color is your car? Maroon > > 4. Do you have any pets? What are their names? Yep a kitty named Jessica Nibbles. > > 5. When's your birthday? January 3 > > 6. What is your favorite sport and favorite team? I'm not to into sports...but I would have to go with football and the Cowboys. I was raised on them. > > 7. Who was the hero/imm who helped you when you > > first started BR? I don't actually remember. Dreamkeeper got me on BR when she was just a wee mortie to. She ran off the hero that came to help me cause she was helping me. hehehe Talk about the blind leading the blind. She told me to kill the trainee....and my response was...why? I don't want to. *grins* > > 8. Which mob is your favorite? The Grey witch I would have to say. She has made my life much easier. > > 9. Who introduced you to the mud? Have you passed > > the favor on to anyone? I was introduced by Dreamkeeper and Jasper. I haven't really brought anyone here though I've tried often enough. *sighs* > > 10. If you were an animal, what would you be? a Dolphin > > 11. What significant events greatly affected your > > life? The birth of both my children.....my divorce....my meeting the man of my dreams on Br....*smiles* > > 12. What is your favorite area in the realms, and > > why? Elizabethan Theatre......Amazon.....and the fairies inside the hero library > > 13. What is the longest amount of time you have ever > > spent in one sitting on the realms? > > Oh dear....when I first started I almost never left. I would have the geek seat all the time. Probably about 22 hours is the longest I can actually remember. I fell asleep while grouped with DK and Sozz when we were getting frostbites...it wasn't pretty. > > 14. If you could go back in time to 1BC, what modern > > invention would you bestow on our primitive > > ancestors to make their lives better? razors...all that hair...ewwwww > > 15. Given only a golf club, a shoe, some flypaper, > > sand and a cube - what would you make? absolutely nothing...I'm not that creative. > > 16. What one thing would you change about the world? I would give us all rose colored glasses to wear. That way we just wouldn't have to see what we didn't like. Sort of like the SEP fields in hitchikers, but in glasses form. > > 17. What one super power would you like to have? Teleportation!!!!!!! Kiri's WWW of URLs: The best link I've ever posted - from Scavenger. Look at the top 20! http://www.ratemykitten.com How many of you does this actually describe? http://www.comics.com/comics/arlonjanis/archive/arlonjanis-20020725.html We've got your name, La la la http://www.introducingmonday.co.uk/ Make your own southpark dude http://southpark.gamesweb.com/flash/sp-studio.html Top 10 Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy milk by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." You've worn the finish off your coffee table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You get drunk just so you can sober up. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a conniption over spilled milk. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are *****, coffee before and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your First Aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup