February 4, 2004 Welcome to the Barren Realms MUD Newsletter! Visit us at: telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/ -------------- IDEAS: Criterion: a spell called possession... an evil spirit infuses a player and has a random set of effects, in evil alignment chars it gives bonuses, in good alignment players it detracts, but the catch is it jumps and leaves a player for another player Ginsu: when you use the replace command the first time, have the message give you the help files for both items and preferably also the levels Ginsu: how come once you cut the head, two arms and two legs off an undead mob it is still able to fight? shouldn't the torso either die or turn into a tasty edible object on the ground? Mathiu: actually make it so Hunt works Ginsu: demon combos, if you have both the hook and the tentacle then you should have a more powerful attack when you can hook and crush something. perhaps one command that tries to use them both together. moderate chance of success. some other combos would also be interesting, hook and quills or spikes, others that I haven't thought of yet AMystery: I was just thinking about rebalancing. If there was an equation that controlled how hard a mob was based on a level range, we could have mobs that balance more exactly with the players level, so a perfect match would be just that. so one algorithm p AMystery: why does blindness or being in a dark room keep you from seeing who someone is when they chat? you can't see them with a light either. it only makes sense on say and even then you should recognize the voice Luc: Heres an idea for a piece of equipment, Ring of Pure Flame its a great ring, but you would think it would be flaming Sasarai: An ability or a spell that lets you have vision enough to scan when its raining Erin: The Suggestion: For those players who have been in BR to have some kind of who title instead of Ava. Maybe something like Elder or another suitable option. The Reason why : Over the years BR has seen players come and go, but few have stayed, when you consider the sheer numbers. I understand that not everyone will make immortal but it would be nice to show those who have been loyal to BR for years that people do know who they are and do appriate not only their loyalty but their knowledge aswell. At this time there is no visible difference from someone who has been playing for years, to those who have been playing six months and got their first ava4. A who title isn't that big a deal but to those who would gain such a title it would mean something. --------------- Characters who need to log on or they will lose characters after 1 1/2 years inactivity: Creusa, Geno, Paragon, Raynne. ------------------ Article by STARS: The Hopeless Addict I've been mudding for about 8 or more years now, which is a significant portion of any person's life. That's about 26.7% of my own life, or 10% of an 80 year life span. That's one out of 8 days spent as a mudder. Of course it would only drop down to ten percent if I were to never play again, or somehow (perish the thought) Barren Realms ceased to exist. Barring any unforeseen calamity, however, and as long as I have a computer and time to kill, I'm going to be playing Barren Realms. The final percentage, then, will be about 72.5% at the ripe age of 80. But this percentage is exaggerated because it assumes I am playing 24 hours every day since I first started mudding. For a more realistic estimate, how about the actual amount of time I spent actually logged on to Barren Realms? What are the numbers of hours, days, and years? I can measure the time I am logged on today, but it is impossible to go back in time to measure every moment I've spent logged on to Barren Realms, so I have to make a number of reasonable guesses about the past 8 years. When making these guesses I have to make a few assumptions about mudding. First assumption: When most newbie mudders first start playing, they become addicted very fast. I am no exception to this assumption, so in the beginning I played a lot. I spent nearly every free moment tapping my fingers on a keyboard, furiously trying to avoid an untimely death before leveling. I forsook friends, family and girls. Who needs an expensive girlfriend when you've got free entertainment more addictive than sex? I only say that, because, let's face it; I was a loser with chicks back in the old days. I'm better now. Second assumption: Although it seemed like I spent every waking minute playing this game, I actually took time to eat and shower (occasionally), and even to sleep. So, I can't claim to have been playing 24/7, even though it probably seemed that way to anyone who bothered to wonder where I was. Third assumption: Average playing time tapers off to a steady rate somewhere along the line. There are bound to be varying amounts of time when I play more, or play less, depending on other variables in my life. I will have to assume, therefore, that all these little ups and downs cancel each other out and I spend about the same amount of time each day, on average. Let's assume that there is a steady deceleration of time spent on BR between the 1st year and the 4th (when I'm guessing it became a steady amount of time for me). Ok, I've worked out some numbers that give a very loose approximation of time I have spent playing this game... Scavenger (that's right, blame him) introduces me to a cool new game. Hey, this is kind of fun... There are only 24 hours in a day, right? When addiction truly took hold, I tried to squeeze in as many mud hours as possible. But even the most dedicated addict can't feed his or her addiction 24/7. I will now try to break down the number of hours I did NOT spend playing BR. I was a lazy bum, so we can pretty much assume I was getting my beauty sleep for a healthy 8 hours. Next, I include the time I spend cooking, eating, showering, sitting on the toilet, doing the laundry and anything else my mother quit doing for me somewhere along the line. I generously say that all these things take up about 4 hours a day. Next comes work, but since I was almost always "between jobs", then we can toss that right out the window. Unfortunately, I didn't own a computer in the old days and I had to rely on the computer labs at the school I was pretending to attend (I even made it to an actual class now and then). If I recall correctly, the labs opened up at 7 am and closed at 10-11 pm. But as hopeless an addict as I was, even I could not sit down in the library basement in front of a computer for 15-16 hours every single day. I had to take at least a few breaks, you know, go to class and stuff. So, of the 12 hours available, I probably took an additional 2-3 hours off to allow my bloodshot eyes time to heal. So, let's say I played for about 9.5 hours a day when the addiction first took hold of me. Total addicted hours per day: 9 hours 30 minutes Assuming there is a steady decrease of time spent mudding over the next 4 years, and that the amount of time during the 4 years after that remained constant, we can calculate an approximate total amount of mudding time over the last eight years. In order to do this, however, I have to figure out how much time I am spending in Barren Realms right now. The best way to figure this out would be to buy a stopwatch and time every moment I am logged on throughout the day and write it down. But, hello, I'm a lazy bum! So, I'll just make some educated guesses. Stars' average BR activities during an average week day: I wake up about 7-8 am every day. First thing I do is go to the bathroom. Then I wash my hands and look in the mirror at the poor slob who really needs to get a life. Next, I go back into my bedroom and turn on my computer. Since I have no patience to wait the 30 seconds for my computer to boot up, I go make myself some breakfast, usually a bagel with low fat spread or a bowl of cereal with skim milk. After my nutritious breakfast and vitamin supplement, I turn on the TV to some headline news program. Then I sit down in front of my computer. This whole process usually only takes a few minutes, so I'll say that I am probably logged in to BR 10 minutes after I wake up. I sometimes chat, but usually I'm just around in case anyone wants to talk to me, or I spot a newbie that needs help. Normally, I play a game or work on homework during the morning time before school. My first class usually starts about 9-10 am. Total morning BR time: 1 hour 35 minutes Ok, fast forward through tedious hours spent listening to clueless professors blathering about meaningless things, and it's time for lunch. Now, sometimes I do log on to BR during lunch time, but this is rare so I will assume I only spend about 1 total hour per week logged on to Barren Realms during lunch time. Total lunch time: 12 minutes Ok, fast forward through the rest of my humdrum class schedule, and it's time to go home. Yay! When I get home, I check the mail, and then dump my backpack on a chair before collapsing on the couch. After getting up again, what's the first thing I do? I turn on the TV to watch Dragonball, yeah! Then, of course, I turn on the computer. This is where it gets a little tricky. These times vary a lot. Sometimes, I'm logged on from 4pm to 10 pm. Other times I log on just to check notes, and then I head back out the door for some other appointment. But on average, I'll guess that I spend half of the time between getting home and going to bed logged on to BR. Half of six hours is three hours. Total evening time: 3 hours Total weekday time: 4 hours 47 minutes This, strangely enough, is a little over half of the total time I spent while hopelessly "addicted". The weekend, of course, is a different matter entirely. Every other weekend I have my children, so I don't play much BR at all. I'll be generous and say 1 hour total during these weekends. But, on the weekends that my sons are not over, I spend most of the day logged on. It's kind of like the addicted hours sometimes, but I don't actually play as much. I may be logged on, but I'm often working on some project (maybe one of my BR areas) or doing homework. So, on these days I spend close to the 9.5 hours a day average that I started out with. And yet, I'm often out running some errand that I couldn't get done during the week. So I have to take off a few hours for that, at least. I'll be generous again and say 7 hours per day. Off weekend time: 30 minutes On weekend time: 7 hours Now we're getting somewhere! Adding all these numbers up, I get 62.83 hours over a two-week span, which makes a daily average of 4.49 hours per day. For the sake of ease, I'll just say 4.5 hours. So, if there is a steady decline in time from 9.5 hours per day to 4.5 hours per day during 4 years, I can now calculate the average daily hours I have spent playing BR over those first 4 years. If I am right in everything I suggest (not entirely likely), then I averaged about 7 hours per day over those first four years, which is 2555 hours per year, or 10220 hours over four years. Combine this with the last four years at 4.5 hours per day, and we have a total number of hours at 16790 (just under 700 days) during the last 8 years. This is nearly two whole years of BR time! If I keep up my current pace for the next fifty years, then I will have spent an additional 82125 hours, bringing my total up to 98915 hours on BR, a whopping 11.3 years of my 80 year life. I will have spent 14% of my lifetime logged on to Barren Realms. There are bound to be errors here, but even if I am off by 10%, then my total would only drop to about 10 years or may be as high as 12.5 years. Your friendly neighborhood mud addict, -Stars ------------------------ Kiri's WWW of URLs: From Sgetsuo - an online gaming site http://www.itsyourturn.com/ This is an online Sobriety site. I found it while looking for web directions. It actually looks pretty cool. http://cybersober.com/default.asp From scavenger, an online zip code decoder http://acg.media.mit.edu/people/fry/zipdecode/ Another direction website http://www.streetlookup.com/ -------------------------- Things computers do in movies COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. Movie character never make typing mistakes. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain english. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress") All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others). Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (e.g Clear and Present Danger). If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automagically asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001"). February 11, 2004 Welcome to the Barren Realms Newsletter for February 11, 2004! Come visit BR at telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/ Or our forums at http://www.barrenrealmsmud.com/forum/ We miss you! Stop by! --------------------------------- Notice from Divebomb: The BR Area Builder can now be downloaded at: http://www.mystifythemind.com/br/ Updated versions will be placed there as available. I'll coordinate with Alicia. ------------------------------- IDEAS: Sasarai: An ability or a spell that lets you have vision enough to scan when its raining Oversoul: there should be a written version of the calathar map for blind players. the "help map" is too difficult for them to read Calvis: update on the help rumors, these are helpful...but as new areas are put in and changes ...so should rumors :) Owain: when a container is burnt the nonflamible objects should appear on the ground instead of being destoryed [ Calvis: alignment power based spells example : Dispel Evil more effective the higher your align Characters that need to log in their characters or lose them: Anex, Angus, Candessah, Dash, Geno, Hanz, Herkules, Lemish, Paragon, Pyrocool, Queeto, Raynne, Swipe, Tick, Wilkami ------------------------- Responses by Baltar: > Disaster: characters using shields should get a damage reduction, or an = > extra parry, or something like that Well, they do get a lower armor class, which should theoretically make them a little tougher to hit...Dwarves and Avians also get the "bash" skill (and everyone but Illithids gets it, too, OOG), which is usable only if you wear a shield...Still, it does seem as if most folks prefer using two weapons to using a shield. I guess you could always bug some poor area writer to have a shield with such amazing stats that people would actually want to use it, but I suspect that it'd mess up game balance or something. > Criterion: have storekeepers who are closed say the MUD time they = > reopen. This would be convenient, if it's not too hard to code. Alternately, maybe you could add signs to the shops showing their hours? > Criterion: detect evil puts a red aura around evil aligned players. i = > mean, from the player's point of view...=20 > it doesn't put an aura on them... just allows a player to see a red aura Yes, yes, it does. ::missing the point, I guess:: > Luc: keys should melt or disappear after you use them What? After all the hard work I went through to get that stupid key, you want to take it away from me after just one use? Shame on you! Baltar -------------------- Kiri's WWW of URLs: Carfax. Tells you what happened to a previously owned car before you buy it http://www.carfax.com/ Some really funny answers to a chem test - Dis, this is all for you http://www.enzine.net/index.php?id=8c9d72da50 Some TASTY food can be ordered here http://www.dancingdeer.com/store/ Oakley and I went to Lake Arrowhead and met these nice people. They have a cute store and a cuter personality. Thought I'd pass it along to those of you who like to buy from actual people who are sweet. http://www.lakearrowheadcoffeecompany.com/MissKittys.html ---------------------------- Star Wars v's Star Trek TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE 10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun". 9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie. 8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell. 7) One word: Lightsabers. 6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance. 5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not. 4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. 3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. 2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I". 1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it. TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS MIGHT NOT HAVE SUCH AN EASY TIME OF IT IN KIRKS UNIVERSE... 10) In the Star Wars Universe the weapons rarely, if ever, can be rigged to power small planets. 9) Like I said; Scotty and one phaser. 8) After his first major fight Luke looses a hand and runs away. Kirk gets into all out fist fight brawls every day with any number of aliens, and only cuts his lip and tears his shirt, which by the way only serves to piss him off. 7) One word: Transporters. 6) HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT KLINGONS EAT!!! 5) Kirk is only concerned with class "M" because there may be chicks on it. 4) Luke Skywalker is NOT obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. What's wrong with that boy? 3) Kahn would wait 10 years on a desert hell planet for the soul purpose of plucking out Jaba's eyes and having them for lunch. 2) Spock can talk to cement creatures. 1) C'mon we all know the Enterprise has no set limitations on it's speed. The more dire the situation the faster Scotty can get that ship going. With a little help from some rerouted phasers and the front radar array Kirk has had that bad boy going warp 13+, and if there were a Green Chick at the other end it could go faster! February 22, 2004 Welcome to the Barren Realms MUD Newsletter for February 22. 2004. Come visit us at telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/ And our website at http://www.barrenrealmsmud.com/ ---------------------------------------- As many of you have noticed, the Realms have been a little dead lately. I think this has to do with people's school schedules, but I'd like us to do something about it! First off, I have a banner for anyone who would like to advertise us on their websites. Please email me and I will send it to you. Secondly, please review us on http://www.topmudsites.com/cgi-bin/reviews/robboard.cgi?action=review&subject=Barren+Realms+MUD as often as possible. Thirdly, TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US! If necessary, sit next to them at the computer to get them interested. ;) -------------------------------- IDEAS -- feel free to respond: Firebreeder: aggie mobs still attack you if you are inside a tent, thats just not right Firebreeder: the grocer should sell tents that hold ALOT more then regular tents, maybe a family sized tent, one that holds like 5 people, or 3000 weight, that would be alot better, but make it weigh 300 Firebreeder: make is so that when you level, you get a restore, even if an imm isnt online Smeagain: ignoring people should prevent battle/hinfo messages corresponding to that person too...although, i'd be happy with anyway of stopping hinfo and battle messages from avatars who are going after sigon eq etc ;) Firebreeder: perhaps the hangman could be moved to calathar, i know its not that big of a hassle to go north, but it would be better, imo, if he were in calathar Firebreeder: can we make chin kang palm ALOT more powerful as a scaling spell instead of a crappy one like it is? Firebreeder: could we also lower the chicken kick roundhouse lag to maybe say 4 rounds instead of 6? Firebreeder: perhaps we could take cure serious off of humans since medicine IS cure serious Firebreeder: could quivering palm be lowered on the level humans get it, i mean seriously, elves get drain energy WAY earlier then humans get QP Seifer: show how much money you have in the bank when you bring up "Status" Slishy: it might be nice if one could purchase dispel magic at clericus. maybe not really needed, but nice :) --------------------------------------- Responses to previous ideas by Baltar: > IDEAS: > > AMystery: I was just thinking about rebalancing. If there was an = > equation that controlled how hard a mob was=20 > based on a level range, we could have mobs that balance more exactly = > with the players level, so a perfect=20 > match would be just that. so one algorithm p Ah, but how do you take into account whether the player is wearing better equipment? Or using skills, or casting spells? The CONsider command looks only at level. (This, incidentally, is why crummy little level 10 mobs can still kick the stuffing out of your level 49 character right after you get killed, when you have no equipment and no mana, even though CONsider still tells you you can kill 'em "with ease"...) I suppose the algorithm must assume some sort of average power for every character of every level, regardless of actual race or equipment. I imagine it would be mind-bogglingly difficult to customize mobs to match an individual player's actual abilities. (What if some player isn't so good at casting fireball? Or didn't enhance hit points for many levels? Or doesn't use ZMud aliases? Or...you get the idea.) > Sasarai: An ability or a spell that lets you have vision enough to scan = > when its raining That would sure be nice. Since Avians are supposed to have such good vision -- and since they're a little light on the skills anyway -- maybe they should get it. Call it "improved scan" or something. > Sasarai: An ability or a spell that lets you have vision enough > to scan when its raining > > Oversoul: there should be a written version of the calathar map > for blind players. the "help map" is too difficult for them to read > > Calvis: update on the help rumors, these are helpful...but as new > areas are put in and changes ...so should rumors :) > > Owain: when a container is burnt the nonflamible objects should > appear on the ground instead of being destoryed > > Calvis: alignment power based spells example : Dispel Evil more > effective the higher your align Wow! A first! Every single idea in the newsletter is one with which I wholeheartedly agree! (Unless they're too hard to code, of course.) Baltar > Star Wars v's Star Trek > > TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR = > TREK UNIVERSE > > TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS MIGHT NOT HAVE SUCH AN EASY = > TIME OF IT IN KIRKS UNIVERSE... Neither of these lists mentions the fact that Stormtroopers can't hit the broad side of a barn, while Enterprise red-shirts die if you sneeze on them. One of the funniest things I ever read was an attempt to harmonize the two. Someone wrote an encounter between the Enterprise and the Death Star. In the scene with the big shootout between the grunts, all of the security officers looked around themselves in bewilderment as blaster fire erupted harmlessly all around them...but meanwhile, an Imperial officer snuck to the level above them and dropped a piano on them. I guess you had to be there.) ------------------------------------------- Kiri's WWW of URLs: More Lileks Regrettable food - thanks Scavenger http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/coffee/index.html Bacon Lettuce and Tomato scented candles http://www.gratefulpalate.com/Merchant/2004_html/bacon2.htm The September 11th Ground Zero Quilt http://www.gzquilt.com/ Yankee or Dixie Quiz (sorry, I forgot who sent me this) http://www.chuckchamblee.com/dom/fun/yankee_dixie_quiz.htm ---------------------- That I Never Knew Before By Dean Kanipe Area 51 Research Center While viewing the film Independence Day, it became apparent that I was remarkably uninformed about several things related to Area 51, aliens, military operations, and America in general. Below is a quick list of a few important things I learned from the film that I never knew before, and a few lessons that were inferred from the plot. I wish to thank the creators of ID4 for making these facts much clearer to me. 1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first. Apparently the best way to destroy a city is to position your "Death Ray" over the most recognizable building. 2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building directly under the Death Ray. 3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion, leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray. 4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are travelling with a dog and a small child. The Law of Averages says you'll survive the Death Ray. 5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are NOT a raspy-voiced homosexual cable TV executive. The Law of Averages says you'll get waxed by the Death Ray. 6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to "Pay the bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice house in a middle class subdivision. 7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can drive California Highway Department utility vehicles, collect refugees and use their extensive survival skills to provide food and comfort to survivors. 8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard. 9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base". 10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding mountains. 11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards at the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets in 120 degree heat. 12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the guard. 13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster all vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200 meter section of tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion. 14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the service, including Marines and Air Force. 15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it appears that the F-18 must have had a 1000 unit production run. 16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20 km across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and aerial launched nuclear cruise missiles. 17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and F-18s. 18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be taught to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours. 19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an Alien fighter in 5 minutes. 20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use flight yokes just like ours. 21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor. They have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will Smith. (He has had a lot of practice on photographers, though.) 22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the pilot. 23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into canyons walls and closing blast doors. 24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored, they do things to piss off people with hand guns. 25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been human-modified for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice the welded-on missile rack until the missile is fired through his work station. 26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is, "Release me," "No peace," and "Die!" 27. If you're President and your administration is faltering, an Alien Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the polls. 28. If you're President and your administration is faltering, manage to work into every other sentence the fact that you "flew in the Persian Gulf." No need to specify what branch of service. 29. If you're President and your administration is faltering and an Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the Cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs to one centralized location so that the Aliens can take them all out with one shot. You can always blame the problems of the past on them after victory is achieved. 30. The President's Press secretary keeps her cell phone listed in the phone book "in case of emergencies." 31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of your mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens might attack and offer him a chance to renew his faith. 32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by making you the laughing stock of the community, never fear. When their "Destroyers" come, you will be vindicated to those who mocked your tale. 33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you can have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray. 34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray, you will obtain redemption and your children will be proud of you. 35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very annoying, look perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your wedding ring for 4 years after the divorce. 36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus in C++ that will take down a completely alien computer system. 37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other Earthly operating systems, it can interface with an alien computer. 38. Alien network security is nonexistent. 39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it (i.e., 1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just enough technology to possibly defend itself. 40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and "Don't get out much." February 29, 2004 Come visit us at telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/ And our website at http://www.barrenrealmsmud.com/ ---------------------------------------- As many of you have noticed, the Realms have been a little dead lately. I think this has to do with people's school schedules, but I'd like us to do something about it! First off, I have a banner for anyone who would like to advertise us on their websites. Please email me and I will send it to you. Secondly, please review us on http://www.topmudsites.com/cgi-bin/reviews/robboard.cgi?action=review&subject=Barren+Realms+MUD as often as possible. Thirdly, TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US! If necessary, sit next to them at the computer to get them interested. ;) -------------------------------- IDEAS: Primo: how about a tent like thing that allows to drop under water so can remove scuba and sleep Luc: show a players age on the profile thingy Sasarai: some way to find out what level the current body limbs you have it for demons Dryrrdlor: allow rescue to choose which mob you want to rescue players from. tanks should be able to fight more than just one enemy at a time. :) ----------------------------------------------- RESPONSES BY SMEAGAIN: Sasarai: An ability or a spell that lets you have vision enough to scan when its raining Baltar wrote: That would sure be nice. Since Avians are supposed to have such good vision -- and since they're a little light on the skills anyway -- maybe they should get it. Call it "improved scan" or something. Smeagain wrote: alias improvedscan brief;birdseye n;birdseye e;birdseye s;birdseye w;birdseye u;birdseye d;brief ---------------------------------------- Article by Stars: Smurfs Smell Bad I've discovered something about Smurfs over the years since I've first heard of them. Smurfs smell bad. I'm not talking about the sort of bad smell that lingers for a while after the neighbors across the hallway cook something funky. No, I'm talking about the sort of raunchy decomposing rat guts kind of bad smell, the kind that sticks around like an overripe dead skunk. I look back to the day when, as a child, I saw those creepy little blue people singing and jumping around on TV. Although I never thought to consider the finer points of Smurf life as a kid, I have since gained an ever increasing curiosity about such unimportant things. Maybe it is a result of slaughtering the helpless creatures in Smurf Village here in Barren Realms. Maybe I'm just weird. Whatever the case, I have decided to put a little thought into the reasons behind the very odd Smurf lifestyle. And the conclusion I have come to is... Smurfs stink. Here's the evidence, which I've formed into a series of questions: 1. Why are there no female Smurfs? a. The only two female Smurfs are magical creations. Smurfette was created by Gargamel to mess with the Smurfs, and Sassette was created by the Smurflings so Smurfette wouldn't feel lonely. b. I can find no references to any "naturally" produced females. It doesn't make sense that there should be only boys. I mean, where did they come from if they didn't have mothers? c. So, if there were indeed any girls before Smurfette, then they have chosen to stay away for some reason. d. Everyone knows that girls care more about hygiene. It stands to reason that the men might drive away the girls with their lack of personal grooming. e. Wallowing in their new male stench, the Smurf boys have since completely disregarded personal appearance...except maybe for Vanity Smurf who, with the flower in his hair, seems rather content about the lack of women. 2. Why would a full-grown man want to destroy these unimposing creatures? a. Gargamel is a cunning and accomplished sorcerer. b. It doesn't make sense that such a man would spend time trying to kill little blue things, especially when he could use his talents for some other more profitable purpose. c. Perhaps, it is because the Smurfs moved into his neighborhood and started stinking up the place. Rather than leaving the only home he has known, Gargamel would rather "clear the air" of this new menace. 3. Why does Azrael want to eat Smurfs so much? a. Everyone knows that cats like nasty stinky things. Have you ever smelled an open can of cat food? It's totally gross, but cats love it. b. The stench of Smurfs probably attracts the cat, like a fly to a midden heap. 4. If the Smurfs smell so bad, then why don't they seem to notice? a. Like smoke rises towards the ceiling of a burning building, Smurf stench is lighter than air. Although, there is still a lot of stink down below, most of it has risen up to affect any poor sap tall enough to smell it. That's why Gargamel suffers so much. He's at the perfect height and has to walk around in a continuous putrid pungent cloud. b. Smurfs have become so used to their own stench that they have become immune to it. It's like entering a science room filled with the reek of formaldehyde. After a while, you don't notice it as much. c. It is like a form of defense. Stink bugs and skunks use their potent scents to ward off predators. Smurfs smell bad because it makes sense in an evolutionary sort of way. And so, faced with the evidence above, it is obvious that Smurfs smell very bad, and this is the reason why Gargamel is so upset about it. One cannot blame the afflicted sorcerer with his obsession to rid the world of the terrible little stinkpots. Keep up the fight, I say. Dang Smurfs, smurfin' up the place. They should smurf things up a little better, so there wouldn't be so much smurf everywhere. You know what I'm smurfin' talking about. Anyway, that's the gist of it. So next time you hear that catchy jingle, then you'll know they aren't singing about how happy life is. No, the little blue turds are singing just to rub our faces in the fact that their odor could kill a water buffalo. -Stars Any pertinent information (true, or otherwise warped) was collected from the official Smurf website - http://www.smurf.com/homepage.html ----------------------------------------- Kiri's WWW of URLS: Some funny closings on the news - warning some are naughty http://mercury.rh.ncsu.edu/tww-closings/ From Oakley, Desktop Imperium http://chapter3.net/imperium/ Also from Oakley, a site of great deals http://www.newegg.com/ And from a player who did not include her name in her email -- a puzzle site (she and I have the answers to be posted next week) http://www.interq.or.jp/silver/eye/grow/top.html ------------------------------------ How Not to Die Attila the Hun: One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside. How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning. -------------------- Tycho Brahe: An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity. How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days. -------------------- Horace Wells: Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor. -------------------- Francis Bacon: One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays. How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did. -------------------- Jerome Irving Rodale: Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation. How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired. -------------------- Aeschylus: A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies. How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead. -------------------- Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s. How he died: A heart attack....while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death. -------------------- And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France. While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.