Constructive Critisism

Bluestar · Post by **Bluestar** » Tue Mar 16, 2004 11:40 am

Hey guys, I don't normally do this because I've very protective of my writing, but I need some feedback on this poem. I wrote it awhile back and I'm really not sure I like it and was thinking about tossing it in the garbage. *shrug* Anyway, what do you guys think?

Isolated

Shut off from the world
isolated from friends
things are getting worse
as the days progress.

They ask how I can be happy
in times like these
and all I can do is smile
and keep up the charade.

They don’t know
how unhappy I really am
how I cry myself to sleep
on a tear-stained pillow.

How do I make the pain disappear
pull myself from this grave
I’ve been digging for years.

How do I make the sun shine
on such a cloudy day,
the weatherman predicted clear skies,
but all I can see is grey.

kiri · Post by **kiri** » Tue Mar 16, 2004 3:03 pm

Ok, here goes.

I like the ideas behind it and the sentiment. I think it could use a bit more imagery. For example, you could say "shut off from the world" in a striking way by using images of how you could be shut off from the world.. almost like how a beautiful photograph shows you a feeling instead of you saying how you feel...

Bluestar · Post by **Bluestar** » Tue Mar 16, 2004 10:24 pm

*nod* Thanks Kiri

Liquid · Post by **Liquid** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 2:07 pm

Kiri sounds like every English teacher I had in high school o.O

Criticism will come from me when I've got a clear head

*kind of groggy feeling*

kiri · Post by **kiri** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 4:09 pm

And this morning you said you loved me...

Liquid · Post by **Liquid** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 12:54 am

Shhh you promised not to tell anyone! >.>

EDIT: Ohhh yeah, I said I would crit, huh? Well, Kiri was right. It's best to show, not tell. It has some nice rythym to it, but I think it went off in a couple places.

I particularly like the last stanza, can't put my finger on why at this time, but it flowed well (and used imagery!)