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Welcome to the Barren Realms MUD Newsletter:
Visit us at telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/
or our web site at http://www.barrenrealmsmud.com/
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IDEAS:
Disaster: notes should stick around longer, at least over a week. they get wiped too
quickly now
Disaster: a config option that would allow you not to accept items when non-imms try to
give you something
AMystery: I think we should change the message newbies get when they first connect to:
Having sex is like being level 1. Sure, it's exciting playing a new class, but it doesn't
really get fun until you _know_ how to play the character.
Sunny: it would be really nice if we had a spell or potion that helped you concentrate on
your spells, you increased the probability of your spells working
Any replies? hit reply and send them to me!
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Kiri's WWW of URLs:
Play the silophone. Hear your words spoken into a giant Silo.
http://www.silophone.net/
Stupid Comic Covers (warning, some may have unintentionally naughty words)
http://www.superdickery.com/oneshot/1.html
Funny Chinese to English translations
http://www.silverladder.com/literature/ ... nglish.htm
The infinite Cat Project
http://www.infinitecat.com/infinite/cat1.html
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Eddie Izzard Jokes:
Eddie: "You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Burundi says “Would you like a cup of coffee,” you’re not supposed to go, “Huhrr, I’m in here!” “And how do you take it?” “Anywhere I find it, big boy!"
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Eddie: "Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering ****-head!"
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Eddie: "Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that."
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Eddie: "We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!"
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Eddie: "Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep."
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Eddie: "And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. B******?"
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Eddie: "There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?"
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Eddie: "You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT! That's a pretty good dream."
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Eddie: "You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
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Eddie: "Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitte!"
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[Re: The European Union]
Eddie: "It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!"
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Eddie: "Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a f****** squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F****** nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So, that's very much like the army."
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Eddie: "Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are f******! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing... they don't even eat... flies!"
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Eddie: "Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"
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[about the Anglican faith]
Eddie: "Vicar, I have done many bad things." "Well, so have I." "Well, what should I do?" "Well, drink 5 Bloody Mary's... and you won't remember."
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Eddie: "We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? F**** off!"
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Eddie: "He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat."
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Eddie: "Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos. "
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Eddie: [The Renaissance] "But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain détante. A certain... cul-de-sac, a certain ...Jacques Chirac. A certain . . . pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne. F*** it."
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Eddie: [Leonardo da Vinci] "And he invented the helicopter .. that did.. not.. work. And so did I! Yeah. Did not work."
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Eddie: (to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas") "12 monkeys mating, 11 donkeys dancing, 10 pygmies farming, 9 socks a-swimming, 5 gold rings..."
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Eddie: "The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle. Cause you start strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit: (to the tune of the national anthem, where the words are "and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air") And fish in the sky, and a big monkey pie."
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Eddie: "In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't f****** hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up..."
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[about America]
Eddie: "You are the new Roman Empire, you realize that? There's no one else going... So you've got vomitariums and orgies to look forward to. Let the President lead the way!"
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Eddie: "The Heimlich maneuver, developed by doctor Heimlich, who woke up one night obviously - a fist, a hand, hoocha, hoocha, hoocha... lobster. Yes..."
[in German accent]
Eddie: "Hilda, Hilda, wake up!"
[in German accent]
Eddie: "Ah, what is it doctor Heimlich?"
[in German accent]
Eddie: "Why are you calling me doctor Heimlich, I am your husband for ***** sake. Loosen up, don't be so ****ing Prussian."
[in German accent]
Eddie: "Well, what is it Gunther?"
[in German accent]
Eddie: "I have invented a maneuver... "
[in German accent]
Eddie: "What are you, a bloody tank commander now?"
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Eddie: "And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way."
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Eddie: [about Stonehenge] "Building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea. It's a marvelous religion the druids have got, yes. A lot of white clothing, I like that." They'd smash out a huge stone and then they'd put tree trunks down to roll it along on...."Help you push 'em along, all right? It's not far, is it?" And the druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave, well done everyone. You're doing very well. You'll love it when you see it, I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special." After 200 miles, "You **** ***! You never told us 200 miles! Two hundred miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now!... And they set all the stones up and the druids are still tinkering around. "Ok, that stone and this one, can we swap them round?"
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Eddie: "But in Britain we don’t win many gold medals at the Olympics – because we’ve chosen not to! It’s a political statement! Because we hate our national anthem. Because it’s God Save the Queen, you see. God Save the Queen. Now the Queen lives in a very big house, she has barbed wire outside, and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved ******* queen, I’ll tell you. That’s the problem. She’s overly saved! She has no idea of the struggle of human existence. We have to work for a living, raise a family – we don’t have nannies all running around the place. It’s what you’ve got to do in your life, y'know? So, it’s “God Save the Queen.” No! It’s too saved. It’s “God Attack the Queen,” that’s what it should be! “God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her, that bite her bum. Let them chase after her and let them…” That’d be fantastic! Then she’d have to fight the crazy dog with a – with a handbag with a brick inside of it. “Crazy dog! Oh, no, Crazy dog!” “Arrgghh, kill the Queen!” “No – crazy dog!” And maybe she’d kill the crazy dog and everyone in Britain would go, “Hell, fair play with the queen – killed the crazy dog.” And the Queen would go, she would have self-respect for the first time in her life! Yes. It would work. It’d be fan-tab-u-lous!"
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Eddie: "My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. I want to walk in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this...
[Runs screaming]
Eddie: AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!"
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Eddie: "This is your pilot speaking. Welcome to flight one from here to there. We'll be flying at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today, is a thermos of coffee."
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Eddie: "The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and funny hats."