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Contructive Criticism for Java's brother
Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 2:29 pm
by Java
My brother is applying for a Scholarship as outlined here
College of Science Award and Scholarship Application for Continuing Students
Each year the College of Science grants a limited number of awards to continuing students. All students who are interested in being considered must submit an application. This application will be active for the current year and will expire on December 31st. You must submit a new application at that time in order to become eligible for College of Science awards for that academic year.
Priority Deadline: February 9, 2005 [note: applications may be submitted after the priority deadline, but may be too late to be considered for all scholarships and awards.]
Apply Online:
Please have your resume and personal statement ready. Your statement should not exceed 500 words and should include your goals, objectives, and reasons why you should be considered for an award.
This is what he has written for it.
I believe I should be considered for an award because of my helpfulness, dedication, and excellence in my classes. I attended all the lectures last semester and was able to help people with questions about concepts in both Chemistry and Computer Science. I scored well last semester and plan to keep up my efforts in all my classes. I joined EPICS this semester so that I could learn more of what a real development group is, along with expanding my computer skills. I sincerely hope to make a long-term impact in the field of Computer Science with the skills I learn at Purdue.
My short-term goals are to either get into computer science or math research, or an internship. I plan on applying for several Computer Science REUs at out of state universities, on top of a math REU at Purdue. I also am going to see if there are any available positions at CERIAS that I could fill. I hope to gain understanding of how research works by getting into a research group this summer. I'm very interested in searching for answers or solutions to problems that have not yet been solved. I will also be applying for Microsoft's "Experience Microsoft" program for a chance at an internship. By getting into a real work-place environment I would gain knowledge on how software development really takes place. This would be a good contrast to the small isolated programs I am writing in class right now.
My long-term goal is to improve computer software or computer security either through research or working at a software company. If I get to work in security, I hope to help computer users, both private and corporate, feel confident that they are protected when they enter important information into computers. I have already started reading some material on web security to start getting a feel for what I will be working on in the future. If I got a job developing software, I would work to make it as efficient, helpful, and easy to use as possible
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 8:56 am
by Kitsune
I believe I should be considered...
Kind of passive. Maybe it would work better to start of "I feel that I should be awared the X scholarship based on my dedication to the study of the Sciences, especially in the field(s) of Y. In addition to my great interest in Y, I also contribute to the science community by ..."
That's not too refined, but it is something to get the ball rolling.... Let me think on this a bit more....
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 9:30 am
by Score
Don't say "I feel."
I should be awarded the scholarship because....
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 9:39 am
by Kitsune
Dear Scholarship guys.
Gimme gimme gimme!
- you know who
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 9:40 am
by Score
p.s
KISS THE RING BITCH!!
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 2:37 pm
by Slart
I don't have a problem with the "I feel I should be considered" in a letter of this nature. In a cover letter for a resume, it might seem a little passive. In an application for a scholarship award, it's more of a respectful tone. I understand this also would have been good when looking for a job years ago, but modern human resources thinking focuses more on finding a dynamic individual than one who has time for manners and humility. I think this explains much of the behavior of upper management in large companies.
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 3:31 pm
by Score
But "kiss the ring bitch" is okay too, right??
I mean--really. That commands respect.
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 4:42 pm
by Dagmar
"I feel" and "I believe" just grate on me. I see Slart's point, but I would prefer to see something along the lines of "I would like to be considered..." rather than "I feel I should be considered" or "I believe I should be considered". I don't have any real reason for this. It's just my personal preference. I'm generally opposed to believing and feeling.
Dagmar, who feels her posts are not especially useful.
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 5:20 pm
by Kitsune
As I said, "gimme gimme gimme".
OK, lets take the same approach from the business letter than: I am qualified for this scholarship based on the following... Or some other variation of "I am"
Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 8:29 pm
by disaster
okay, lets see here: unless you're certain the people reading the application already know them, explain all your accronyms. attending all lectures doesn't stand out to me. if anything, it sounds weak, as if searching for qualifications instead of saying something with substance. that might be just me. the short term goals seem too disparate. internships sound like in the next 2 years, research sounds like 3-4 years away minimum, as well as sounding like more of a long term career goal than a short term step along the way. the way its' written, with so many different things listed, sounds like you don't really know what your plans are. that's fine, in reality, noone should know their plans right off the bat. unfortunately, people who give out scholarships don't live in reality land. it makes a stronger application if you have one specific goal, or several very tightly interrelated goals, and then several steps along the way, including how getting the scholarship will help you meet those goals. i like the longterm goal about security. have you taken any pure math courses that would help with that? if so, or if you're planning to, mention them. there are a lot of computer programmers out there, there are considerably fewer people who know enough math to understand what's going on at the very basic levels of security as well as understanding the higher levels. you have a bit of tense confusion going on, flipping between "if i get" and "if i got" down at the end. i don't particularly like either phrase, but if you're going to go with them pick one and be consistent through the whole letter.