working draft for rumors
Posted: Thu Aug 26, 2010 8:04 am
Okay, some of these are uninspired, some are ostensibly jokes that fall flat on their face, some of them break the fourth wall too flagrantly, and some just suck. Tell me which ones to rewrite or offer your own rewrite or suggest a deletion or addition. I'm also open to suggestions about the order the rumors are listed in.
Notably missing from this list is a general rumor about dun candrae. I didn't want to crowd the lower level rumors and figured there were few enough lowbie areas that people would find it on their own. (But we can put it in if you guys want.)
And of course EB has final editorial control.
Finally, much credit to Diren for writing a bunch of these and shaming me into finishing.
(edit: You'll notice the SF rumor kind of sounds like two different drafts of a rumor smushed together. That's because it is. Critique!)
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RUMORS 0
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It is said that sleeping near the Instructor can be beneficial, and that sleeping near the healer Clericus can be even more so.
A toy of the "little ones" somewhere east of City wears an item which can make you strong, and one of the smurfs wears an item which helps you when you practice new spells and skills.
Despite warnings from your mother about frittering your time away, you might find it worth your while to examine items found in the Pool Room.
Retired from his successful pursuit of the Minotaur, a fellow has set up a shop in town where he will try to discern important properties of items you've acquired. Of course, he charges for his services.
Your diploma is more than just a keepsake.
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RUMORS 5
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There have been rumors going around of an underground lake in the insect garden, filled with a variety of nasty insects. One of them in particular has an item that can help those who wear it fly.
You've noticed that most of the grizzled veterans stopping at Calathar stock up on pot pies from the baker. The pies must have a high protein-to-space ratio.
There is a neighborhood on the outskirts of town where bad girls hang out. Vain as they are, they might carry something useful to you.
Not too far off the eastern path of Calathar, the gnome scientists have invented a marvelous basket, which holds many objects and sometimes even magically generates food!
Ledwick's Toy Shoppe is celebrated throughout the Realms for its magical, lifelike creations, but few realize the necessary obverse of its wonders: the grotesque creatures born of the old man's failed experiments. Some say he destroys these dysgenic monsters, but others hold that at least a few were too powerful and now roam inside the walls and dark corners of his shop.
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RUMORS 10
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Sleeping near Clericus may not be as helpful as it was when you were small. However, he is still willing to offer his healing services for a price.
During an annual art gala taking place in Calathar, you overhead a couple talking about a magical portrait of an extremely handsome guy somewhere in the Elven city near the Hangman.
A common topic of conversation in Filthy's tavern is the presence of certain zombies wandering the Astral Plane. Although their souls were long ago excised by liches, the beings still carry their ancient weapons.
A popular practice among the warriors of the Realms is to enchant common weapons with elven magic. Elves once held a closely-guarded monopoly on the process, but over the centuries some of its secrets have been committed to paper. It is said the Thalosians had learned such arcana, but then again Thalos is just empty ruins...
Rumor has it there is a large house off the southern path from Calathar, filled with unique characters and a variety of useful items. Will you be able to solve the murder without any clues?
There is no minimum drinking age within the Realms, so drink up. Adventurers who rely on mana may find the drunken state beneficial, despite slurred speech and stumbling.
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RUMORS 15
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Gnomes are not to be trusted, but the villagers outside of Calathar are convinced that the stream to the south of them is the entrance to a magical world. Not even a cursory survey has been attempted, but the tale of a strange device for seeing hidden creatures has widely circulated.
Last month a prominent aeromancer posited that the largest hurricanes are powered by magical clouds at the core of the storms. He mounted a sea expedition to try to obtain one of these clouds for further study but was apparently killed by pirates.
A tower full of confusion and mirages has been sighted on the far western edge of Arialis Forest. Guarding its entrance, a statue of its founder possesses a very powerful and popular weapon known throughout the Realms.
Citizens of the small village of Lershar have been in a state of panic lately, especially during the full moon. One person in specific has disappeared from sight into the forest. Do you have what it takes to solve the crime?
Want to keep a low profile? There's now an alchemical alternative to casting invisibilty on yourself. Unfortunately, due to import restrictions you'll have to trek out to Elemental Canyon if you want to buy any. Better stock up.
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RUMORS 20
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A young astrologer told you once, "Look to the stars my friend, for there you will find Herculean power." You wonder what he meant by that.
As an old man wanders by you grumbling, you strain to make out what he is saying. He notices your interest and remarks, "What are ye lookin at youngster? Ya know in my day we took the time to explore. Ye might wanna consider it yerself ya know, Time waits fer nobody." With that he walks away mumbling again, something about the old Clock Tower.
A scholar visiting from the great Library in Valence gave a lecture on the old Olympian gods, whom he insists are quite real, though they were superseded by the new pantheon before living memory. He says they still cling to existence in their mountain enclave, effete and unworshipped. Perhaps they have retained powerful artifacts from their ancient glory.
The powerful elven ability of locate object is great way to track down treasure and powerful equipment, so it's no surprise the pirate lords have tried to wield it. There's been much talk in the Realms' harbors that the buccaneers now possess a special nautical instrument that's been imbued with the spell.
When Old Thalos was just a sleepy hamlet, Perelandra was already a thriving center of culture and knowledge. Surely among all its accumulated wealth and lore you can find something to aid you in your travels.
Is your connection a little sluggish? The annoying inhabitants of a city northwest of Arialis Forest might be to blame. If you have the misfortune of visiting, you might find it worthwhile to track down a certain portly blacksmith or to keep your eye out for a renowned master of espionage.
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RUMORS 25
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Deep in the southern mountains, Yamanoha Fortress crouches over a region torn by conflict and alive with magic. In that alien land, desperate battles rage on a bloody plain, the passageways of the citadel brim with intrigue, ancient tongues sound in the lapping of lake water, and the shroud of some great secret hangs over every forest trail. A diligent adventurer will leave a richer man.
Feeling stressed? The Buddhist temple west of Solace recently put in a Japanese-style garden. After you've sat in the pagoda for a while, contemplating the illusory nature of the physical world, you should have no qualms about killing the gardeners and taking their stuff.
Packrats accumulate plenty of junk, but pack-ogres are even worse! A famous one lives in a castle surrounded by bugbears northeast of the Hangman. You might borrow a container from him and start doing some hoarding of your own.
Whispered tales of a powerful helm have been heard in the pubs of Calathar. A lupine knight is spoken of as the wearer of this magnificent armor. The area this knight roams in is said to be in the furthest reaches of Barren Realms.
A large grocery store is said to be located in Solace, along with some interesting inhabitants and items. While you're there, we're out of milk, and we'll probably need bread. Also, could you pick up some grapes if they look good? Thanks, sweetie.
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RUMORS 30
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A lovestruck female came up to you and said, "Oh that Lamorak...what a charming knight, and what SEXY spurs he wears, too!" and then promptly proceeded to faint.
Take a few minutes and stop by Roderick Usher's house. He's going through a bad time right now and could use some cheering up. While you're there, look around for a certain piece of neckwear: it might help you prevent a premature burial.
After collaring a thief who tried to lift your purse, you ask him what brought him to such straits. He finally admits that he once studied weapon enchantment at the High Tower but was expelled for drunkenness. His old professor, he states proudly, had almost reached the theoretical mortal limit for such spells.
Through a portal in the mountains, it is said there is a city filled with crime and corruption. There have been rumors of its addicted citizens having a pill that can help tend your wounds, but be careful, it may make you sleepy.
An old traveler in an inn told you of a flail of great power. When you asked him where you could find such a weapon, he laughed at you. However, he mumbled something about your death and fighting a great lich as he hobbled out the door.
A geeky teenager handed you an advertisement, it read: come one come all, see the showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. You gathered from the ad that the location of the theater was somewhere around Perelandra.
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RUMORS 35
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After a month among the obscure tomes of the Malatharan Library, you come across a passage about a little mining town called Siberfur, located at the feet of the Siberfels Mountains. Apparently it grew quite prosperous during the boom days of the Northeastern Silver Rush and was later reborn as a lively lumber camp when the mines finally gave out. But with the influx of tropical hardwoods to the market and slave labor pushing mining operations south, it soon faded from memory. Nowadays few travelers hike the vales north of Ogrek's Keep, and somewhat oddly, not one can be found who has made the return trip. "Draconians, like as not," suggests Aod, when you broach the subject with him. "Was a couple families up there 'fore the miners came. Daft beasts thought the hills was special--thought they had the secret to never dying or some such. Had to be driven off three times so as the work could start. They've moved back, no doubt, and I expect have done for the sightseers."
Out in the far eastern reaches of the Realms, Sinbad has been making some incredible voyages. He's so busy getting rich, though, that he's probably missing out on some good equipment. Why don't you tag along and see what there is to see?
You heard that some witches and warlocks have been up to no good--maybe you could go remedy that situation. You believe that they operate in a place called Coven which is south east of Calathar in the depths of the Dwarven Forest.
Just because you're not dead doesn't mean you can't pay Charon an obolos and visit the underworld. It's full of mythical weapons and other cool souvenirs, especially for the black-hearted and corrupt. Remember, though, that your victims have already died once--this time they might be a little more prepared.
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RUMORS 40
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In a bid to better secure the southern passages to his castle, King Kandy has announced an open season on the fierce swamp-dwelling molasses pools to hunters throughout the Realms. Cynics have noted that the edict suspiciously coincides with the opening of a royal chain of pancake houses.
Underneath the Holy Grove lies a large lake named Crystalmir. On the northwest shores of this lake is the beautiful White Lotus Temple. The martial monks who dwell here have set up 36 chambers of progressively difficult challenges. No one could expect you to defeat all of these expert fighters, but you might find the attempt rewarding.
The warlike Amazons of the southern tropical forests owe their successes not only to their ferocity and prowess but also to certain extremely powerful accoutrements bequeathed to them by their patron Faustus. The pure-hearted warrior would do well to acquire some.
Several ships entering Freeport have reported sightings during their voyages of a mountain that hovers over the surface of the ocean. This sounds like typical sailor superstition, but honestly, would we mention it if there wasn't a good piece of equipment there?
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RUMORS 45
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Ages ago, a Malacandran naval expedition was lost in a fierce winter storm. Down with the ships went the relic they were carrying, a huge, lethal sword fashioned from ice by the ancient yeti civilization of the extreme North. Legend has it that the sword was not lost but locked away in the floes and icebergs of the Realms' arctic seas. A proper search would be grueling and maybe fruitless, yet you'd be a fool to let some foe reach it first.
Tired of being constantly picked on, the various rulers of Candyland have gathered at the Kastle Kandy to discuss their revenge. Are you a bad enough dude to go chop their faces off?
An assemblage of gnomish warriors found an opening to an underwater cave below their castle. They suited up in scuba gear and explored this cave, only to see most of their army slaughtered by water-breathing creatures. The last survivor of the group returned with news of a powerful queen who is deadly and will kill with no mercy. She fights her battles with a powerful sword that decimates foes with ease.
It is said Oakley and Kiri spend their vacations in a summer house in a swamp full of fiery creatures. These creatures have breath that may destroy all of your possessions. The trees are remarked to be "quite nice," but watch out for those rodents! Seems to be an infestation.
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RUMORS 50
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the most arcane spells in the Realms, teleport is known only to the elves and envied by the other races. Reports from the Amazons, however, are beginning to suggest that the Snakemen have somehow mastered the skill. In a way this makes sense: if you had to slither everywhere you went, you'd probably learn to teleport, too.
The casting races tend to restict the dissemination of their more specialized magical knowledge; nonetheless, a thriving black market for such exists somewhere in the alliance city of Clanghammer. The stock is so extensive that even an elf might find a spell he could use. Locating the covert sellers will probably prove difficult, though. Perhaps loitering around the more legitimate shops will give you a clue.
With demand for scuba gear fairly low, the industry sees little innovation. Thus you can't help but be intrigued by the legend of an old Freeporter admiral who received a magic ring from his mermaid paramour--the trinket allowed him to breathe like a fish. Of course, any rational person knows that it's just a fairy tale.
As you make a routine pass through the temple, the Guardian lumbers over to you and clears his throat. "Don't think you can just suddenly become a hero by killing a few mundane monsters," he intones. "True heroes prove themselves again and again. Have you defied the walls of flesh at the gates to Hell? Or mastered the pelagic horrors of the Dark Sea? Or cast down scaly Ciquala from her hideous throne? No, friend: first vanquish the fiend beneath Alandra, plumb the abyssal caverns of the Siberfels, pass through the four portals of the Yamanoha magi, and then seek to call yourself a hero." The Guardian has always struck you as a strange guy, but he might have point here.
Notably missing from this list is a general rumor about dun candrae. I didn't want to crowd the lower level rumors and figured there were few enough lowbie areas that people would find it on their own. (But we can put it in if you guys want.)
And of course EB has final editorial control.
Finally, much credit to Diren for writing a bunch of these and shaming me into finishing.
(edit: You'll notice the SF rumor kind of sounds like two different drafts of a rumor smushed together. That's because it is. Critique!)
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RUMORS 0
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It is said that sleeping near the Instructor can be beneficial, and that sleeping near the healer Clericus can be even more so.
A toy of the "little ones" somewhere east of City wears an item which can make you strong, and one of the smurfs wears an item which helps you when you practice new spells and skills.
Despite warnings from your mother about frittering your time away, you might find it worth your while to examine items found in the Pool Room.
Retired from his successful pursuit of the Minotaur, a fellow has set up a shop in town where he will try to discern important properties of items you've acquired. Of course, he charges for his services.
Your diploma is more than just a keepsake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 5
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There have been rumors going around of an underground lake in the insect garden, filled with a variety of nasty insects. One of them in particular has an item that can help those who wear it fly.
You've noticed that most of the grizzled veterans stopping at Calathar stock up on pot pies from the baker. The pies must have a high protein-to-space ratio.
There is a neighborhood on the outskirts of town where bad girls hang out. Vain as they are, they might carry something useful to you.
Not too far off the eastern path of Calathar, the gnome scientists have invented a marvelous basket, which holds many objects and sometimes even magically generates food!
Ledwick's Toy Shoppe is celebrated throughout the Realms for its magical, lifelike creations, but few realize the necessary obverse of its wonders: the grotesque creatures born of the old man's failed experiments. Some say he destroys these dysgenic monsters, but others hold that at least a few were too powerful and now roam inside the walls and dark corners of his shop.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 10
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sleeping near Clericus may not be as helpful as it was when you were small. However, he is still willing to offer his healing services for a price.
During an annual art gala taking place in Calathar, you overhead a couple talking about a magical portrait of an extremely handsome guy somewhere in the Elven city near the Hangman.
A common topic of conversation in Filthy's tavern is the presence of certain zombies wandering the Astral Plane. Although their souls were long ago excised by liches, the beings still carry their ancient weapons.
A popular practice among the warriors of the Realms is to enchant common weapons with elven magic. Elves once held a closely-guarded monopoly on the process, but over the centuries some of its secrets have been committed to paper. It is said the Thalosians had learned such arcana, but then again Thalos is just empty ruins...
Rumor has it there is a large house off the southern path from Calathar, filled with unique characters and a variety of useful items. Will you be able to solve the murder without any clues?
There is no minimum drinking age within the Realms, so drink up. Adventurers who rely on mana may find the drunken state beneficial, despite slurred speech and stumbling.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 15
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Gnomes are not to be trusted, but the villagers outside of Calathar are convinced that the stream to the south of them is the entrance to a magical world. Not even a cursory survey has been attempted, but the tale of a strange device for seeing hidden creatures has widely circulated.
Last month a prominent aeromancer posited that the largest hurricanes are powered by magical clouds at the core of the storms. He mounted a sea expedition to try to obtain one of these clouds for further study but was apparently killed by pirates.
A tower full of confusion and mirages has been sighted on the far western edge of Arialis Forest. Guarding its entrance, a statue of its founder possesses a very powerful and popular weapon known throughout the Realms.
Citizens of the small village of Lershar have been in a state of panic lately, especially during the full moon. One person in specific has disappeared from sight into the forest. Do you have what it takes to solve the crime?
Want to keep a low profile? There's now an alchemical alternative to casting invisibilty on yourself. Unfortunately, due to import restrictions you'll have to trek out to Elemental Canyon if you want to buy any. Better stock up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 20
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A young astrologer told you once, "Look to the stars my friend, for there you will find Herculean power." You wonder what he meant by that.
As an old man wanders by you grumbling, you strain to make out what he is saying. He notices your interest and remarks, "What are ye lookin at youngster? Ya know in my day we took the time to explore. Ye might wanna consider it yerself ya know, Time waits fer nobody." With that he walks away mumbling again, something about the old Clock Tower.
A scholar visiting from the great Library in Valence gave a lecture on the old Olympian gods, whom he insists are quite real, though they were superseded by the new pantheon before living memory. He says they still cling to existence in their mountain enclave, effete and unworshipped. Perhaps they have retained powerful artifacts from their ancient glory.
The powerful elven ability of locate object is great way to track down treasure and powerful equipment, so it's no surprise the pirate lords have tried to wield it. There's been much talk in the Realms' harbors that the buccaneers now possess a special nautical instrument that's been imbued with the spell.
When Old Thalos was just a sleepy hamlet, Perelandra was already a thriving center of culture and knowledge. Surely among all its accumulated wealth and lore you can find something to aid you in your travels.
Is your connection a little sluggish? The annoying inhabitants of a city northwest of Arialis Forest might be to blame. If you have the misfortune of visiting, you might find it worthwhile to track down a certain portly blacksmith or to keep your eye out for a renowned master of espionage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 25
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Deep in the southern mountains, Yamanoha Fortress crouches over a region torn by conflict and alive with magic. In that alien land, desperate battles rage on a bloody plain, the passageways of the citadel brim with intrigue, ancient tongues sound in the lapping of lake water, and the shroud of some great secret hangs over every forest trail. A diligent adventurer will leave a richer man.
Feeling stressed? The Buddhist temple west of Solace recently put in a Japanese-style garden. After you've sat in the pagoda for a while, contemplating the illusory nature of the physical world, you should have no qualms about killing the gardeners and taking their stuff.
Packrats accumulate plenty of junk, but pack-ogres are even worse! A famous one lives in a castle surrounded by bugbears northeast of the Hangman. You might borrow a container from him and start doing some hoarding of your own.
Whispered tales of a powerful helm have been heard in the pubs of Calathar. A lupine knight is spoken of as the wearer of this magnificent armor. The area this knight roams in is said to be in the furthest reaches of Barren Realms.
A large grocery store is said to be located in Solace, along with some interesting inhabitants and items. While you're there, we're out of milk, and we'll probably need bread. Also, could you pick up some grapes if they look good? Thanks, sweetie.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 30
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A lovestruck female came up to you and said, "Oh that Lamorak...what a charming knight, and what SEXY spurs he wears, too!" and then promptly proceeded to faint.
Take a few minutes and stop by Roderick Usher's house. He's going through a bad time right now and could use some cheering up. While you're there, look around for a certain piece of neckwear: it might help you prevent a premature burial.
After collaring a thief who tried to lift your purse, you ask him what brought him to such straits. He finally admits that he once studied weapon enchantment at the High Tower but was expelled for drunkenness. His old professor, he states proudly, had almost reached the theoretical mortal limit for such spells.
Through a portal in the mountains, it is said there is a city filled with crime and corruption. There have been rumors of its addicted citizens having a pill that can help tend your wounds, but be careful, it may make you sleepy.
An old traveler in an inn told you of a flail of great power. When you asked him where you could find such a weapon, he laughed at you. However, he mumbled something about your death and fighting a great lich as he hobbled out the door.
A geeky teenager handed you an advertisement, it read: come one come all, see the showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. You gathered from the ad that the location of the theater was somewhere around Perelandra.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 35
-------------------------------------------------------------------
After a month among the obscure tomes of the Malatharan Library, you come across a passage about a little mining town called Siberfur, located at the feet of the Siberfels Mountains. Apparently it grew quite prosperous during the boom days of the Northeastern Silver Rush and was later reborn as a lively lumber camp when the mines finally gave out. But with the influx of tropical hardwoods to the market and slave labor pushing mining operations south, it soon faded from memory. Nowadays few travelers hike the vales north of Ogrek's Keep, and somewhat oddly, not one can be found who has made the return trip. "Draconians, like as not," suggests Aod, when you broach the subject with him. "Was a couple families up there 'fore the miners came. Daft beasts thought the hills was special--thought they had the secret to never dying or some such. Had to be driven off three times so as the work could start. They've moved back, no doubt, and I expect have done for the sightseers."
Out in the far eastern reaches of the Realms, Sinbad has been making some incredible voyages. He's so busy getting rich, though, that he's probably missing out on some good equipment. Why don't you tag along and see what there is to see?
You heard that some witches and warlocks have been up to no good--maybe you could go remedy that situation. You believe that they operate in a place called Coven which is south east of Calathar in the depths of the Dwarven Forest.
Just because you're not dead doesn't mean you can't pay Charon an obolos and visit the underworld. It's full of mythical weapons and other cool souvenirs, especially for the black-hearted and corrupt. Remember, though, that your victims have already died once--this time they might be a little more prepared.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 40
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In a bid to better secure the southern passages to his castle, King Kandy has announced an open season on the fierce swamp-dwelling molasses pools to hunters throughout the Realms. Cynics have noted that the edict suspiciously coincides with the opening of a royal chain of pancake houses.
Underneath the Holy Grove lies a large lake named Crystalmir. On the northwest shores of this lake is the beautiful White Lotus Temple. The martial monks who dwell here have set up 36 chambers of progressively difficult challenges. No one could expect you to defeat all of these expert fighters, but you might find the attempt rewarding.
The warlike Amazons of the southern tropical forests owe their successes not only to their ferocity and prowess but also to certain extremely powerful accoutrements bequeathed to them by their patron Faustus. The pure-hearted warrior would do well to acquire some.
Several ships entering Freeport have reported sightings during their voyages of a mountain that hovers over the surface of the ocean. This sounds like typical sailor superstition, but honestly, would we mention it if there wasn't a good piece of equipment there?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 45
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Ages ago, a Malacandran naval expedition was lost in a fierce winter storm. Down with the ships went the relic they were carrying, a huge, lethal sword fashioned from ice by the ancient yeti civilization of the extreme North. Legend has it that the sword was not lost but locked away in the floes and icebergs of the Realms' arctic seas. A proper search would be grueling and maybe fruitless, yet you'd be a fool to let some foe reach it first.
Tired of being constantly picked on, the various rulers of Candyland have gathered at the Kastle Kandy to discuss their revenge. Are you a bad enough dude to go chop their faces off?
An assemblage of gnomish warriors found an opening to an underwater cave below their castle. They suited up in scuba gear and explored this cave, only to see most of their army slaughtered by water-breathing creatures. The last survivor of the group returned with news of a powerful queen who is deadly and will kill with no mercy. She fights her battles with a powerful sword that decimates foes with ease.
It is said Oakley and Kiri spend their vacations in a summer house in a swamp full of fiery creatures. These creatures have breath that may destroy all of your possessions. The trees are remarked to be "quite nice," but watch out for those rodents! Seems to be an infestation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
RUMORS 50
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the most arcane spells in the Realms, teleport is known only to the elves and envied by the other races. Reports from the Amazons, however, are beginning to suggest that the Snakemen have somehow mastered the skill. In a way this makes sense: if you had to slither everywhere you went, you'd probably learn to teleport, too.
The casting races tend to restict the dissemination of their more specialized magical knowledge; nonetheless, a thriving black market for such exists somewhere in the alliance city of Clanghammer. The stock is so extensive that even an elf might find a spell he could use. Locating the covert sellers will probably prove difficult, though. Perhaps loitering around the more legitimate shops will give you a clue.
With demand for scuba gear fairly low, the industry sees little innovation. Thus you can't help but be intrigued by the legend of an old Freeporter admiral who received a magic ring from his mermaid paramour--the trinket allowed him to breathe like a fish. Of course, any rational person knows that it's just a fairy tale.
As you make a routine pass through the temple, the Guardian lumbers over to you and clears his throat. "Don't think you can just suddenly become a hero by killing a few mundane monsters," he intones. "True heroes prove themselves again and again. Have you defied the walls of flesh at the gates to Hell? Or mastered the pelagic horrors of the Dark Sea? Or cast down scaly Ciquala from her hideous throne? No, friend: first vanquish the fiend beneath Alandra, plumb the abyssal caverns of the Siberfels, pass through the four portals of the Yamanoha magi, and then seek to call yourself a hero." The Guardian has always struck you as a strange guy, but he might have point here.
So say the word and it's out, but if you somehow decide you don't mind it after all, I wouldn't mind leaving it in there. My other fourth-wall-breaker was the grocery store which I'm deleting, and the alpha version of the molasses swamp, which (sucked and) got toned way down. So that's the last real joke. (But just say the word, etc.